Monday, November 2, 2009

Kicking the Curb


During the time I lived here on earth, I've never really stayed in one place to know it as well as I want to. But since I kept moving, I had the chance to meet the most amazing people on earth. I could tell you about all of them, but then that would just bore the crap out of everybody. Anyway, the wide variety of friends I had, made me realize, I don't know who I am. When I get pass that realization, another comes in, and it's, I don't know what to do with my life.

If you notice all the people that say they're going to make a difference in the world, or the world will know their name, started saying things like this at an early age. After saying stuff like that, I guess they realized talk is just shit, unless you really do something about it. To place this in some perspective, when you were younger I'm sure your mother, or some body of authority told you to never go past the porch, or the front lawn. These people sucked it up, found a pair of balls, and left their porch. Now look at them. We're talking about people like Martin Luther King Jr., or Richard Branson. The got the courage to stand up and say NO. I will not live life in the norm. I will make something of myself.

As I was coming in from my walk earlier, I didn't realize it but there was a car right behind me. He did the high beam thing and honked his head off, because it probably gave his pride some satisfaction of authority. There's only one reason why I didn't give him the full on "Fu*k you, you fu*king bastard!", and that's because I was struck with a thought. I stood there, probably looking like an idiot as I watched this guy pass. I was thinking, if this car killed me who would I be in this world? What difference have I made to make other peoples lives better? There was something about the color of his SUV, or how clean and shiny it was that made me want to run up to it and scratch 'Thank you' all over it. If he didn't snap me back into reality, then I wouldn't have started thinking. Then I came to the conclusion 'I need to leave my porch'. I need to kick the curb, and start somewhere that will scare the living day lights out of me, then figure it all out. How does one leave the porch exactly? I thought of quitting school, because I don't even know what I'm doing there anymore. But then that would mean I just let school win over me. One little challenge gave me enough of a beating to tell myself I want to quit. NO. I will not quit! There's really only one way for me to 'leave the porch' and that is to figure out what the porch is in the first place. My porch is my home. This is where I feel I am most cliche. Now, if leaving the home is 'leaving to porch' then so be it. I'll see you on the better side of the hill.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Fate, Memories, Contours, and Love

Have you ever had that feeling when you look at another person, or at a situation, and it triggers something from the past. The feeling way beyond Deja vu, and even farther than what your vivid memories can make you feel. Where the things that were False are now true, and the truths in the world you feel are false. The feeling where the universe, and fate play with your mind just for the hell of it. Getting you with one look. That's all it really takes. Just one look and your whole train of thought is derailed, captivated, into whatever mystery her mind pleases. And to mention the light bouncing off the soft details of her face, complementing her eyes that remain closed. Closed to the world. Keeping everything inside. I can sense it. There's something there. Behind all the eye make-up and all the smiles, inside those eyes lurk a little girl, just wanting out. A girl that takes so much more shit than she's supposed to. When you pass the thought of the little girl, you then get caught in her hair. The forest of locks, curled towards the tips. They sway along with her, when she bobs her head to the beat of the music. Then a dance. You stare into the openness of your thought, and get lost at every corner stone. Deeper and deeper you go into your brain to pick out what could be, would be, and should be. Click! The chain of thought is broken. You find yourself staring into the open. Recalling your what could be, would be, and should be, only to realize that they're called in such a way, that they should stay in that specific state. Your mind slowly examines her moving body. Comparing it to the dance of wheat in a field when the wind conducts it to wave. Slowly she sits. You, still staring at the contour of her face, trying to get a mental image of a happier time. She looks up. Up at you. Into your eyes. You into her eyes. Deeper and deeper the two of you stare. Or so you think you are staring at each other. Little you know, her concern over shadows all the searching of the inner tragedy. She goes back to her thoughts in hand. Just spitting out every thought, and sticking it to her medium. You get up and leave. Stare into the world and look at the glowing blueberry. Just shimmering. Radiating a power off its contour. Then you remember contours. You remember the soft contours of her face. You close your eyes, and search for the details to complete such beauty. You pick at your thoughts for so long it hurts. Penny for your thoughts? Thinking with your eyes open now. Staring into the universe of rotational colors. Catching yourself off guard at times. Just stare. Blankness of rotating colors. Back to the contours. The earth. Glowing. It comes to you. A new train of thought comes and alights old memories making space for new thoughts. You go back into the room, where she still oozes of her thoughts. This time she lets you in. Into the thoughts being given a physical body. Trying to decode her thoughts. Too distracted by her face next to yours. Staring at such brilliance ahead, and such beauty on the corner. Then you turn, and finally catch her eyes. And like the floor cracked open and swallowed you, you fall. Start falling in her deep deep eyes. Past the tragedy, past the thoughts of being attracted. A memory explodes in your brain. What is in front of you, is the reason you are in this state. You are reminded of old losses, and loves. The innocence on the deeper side in her eyes brings it out. Oh reality sinks in. The thoughts of being attracted to such a person isn't drawn out by love, but by pure memory and pain. Memory and pain of a past love. The past love that kept you in this state of monotony. You embrace the thought and begin to decode her thoughts, and feelings. Bringing you to back to the earth. She is the earth. With a aura radiating from her it glows. Soft details. Glowing contours. She really is the earth. And just like the earth, you are just a speck in her life. Just trying to get noticed. Just taking the plunge. The plunge of life. The plunge that drives all of us to live. And that is --LOVE--

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Going to The Heart of it All..

If any of you were wondering, me and my family are fine. We live on an incline, so we're all good. At the VERY rare event of the water rising to our garage or living room, that means the whole of Metro Manila would be underwater. My sister went through the flood last Saturday, just to get home from her dorm in UST. She makes it seem like shes a hero, with her formal story telling skills and big words just to describe what happened to her. She wrote about her experience getting home, thinking that what she saw was already rock bottom. The worst. The end. I mean, its fine to tell your story, don't get me wrong, but what she saw was just the good parts of the flooding. Two days after the flood, or Monday, I went out to Ateneo with Danica, and her friends to volunteer. When we got there, the covered courts where they were holding the packaging of the relief goods were full of people. Ateneo really came together for this, and pulled through. At first we were putting clothing together for families, then shortly after we were asked if we wanted to get deployed to the affected sites. Naturally I said yes, out of curiosity. I really wanted to see the damage this storm caused, and I thought this could be a better way of reaching out to people. We moved on to start packing food while waiting to get deployed, which ended our 3 hour shift. Eventually we ended up deciding to go to Cainta Rizal, one of the affected areas. Before we left, we went to a local grocery, but everything was gone! Everything! All the bread, instant noodles, canned goods, and water was all gone. Even the expensive Evian water was gone! But Danica and her friends still managed to get little things. We were off to Cainta, expecting there to be traffic, because we weren't sure if some places were passable. Just 15 mins. into the ride, we already saw the damage caused by Ondoy. SM Marikina's basement was covered in mud, and other kinds of debris. There is this tall sign with what used to be words welcoming people to Marikina, but now its just scrap metal with trash, and mud hanging from it. The bridge we were driving on gave us a clear image how high the water was. The driver said that the water was already going on to the bridge. To give you a mental picture on how high this bridge was, it was perpendicular to the LRT, or elevated train. For even more mental pictures on how high the water was, the lights under the bridge, and the street lights next to them had trash, and mud covering the actual light. After the car got down from the bridge, I tried imagining all the places we passed through filled with water. It wasn't that hard to, because there were cars just left on the street, just like how little kids leave toy cars on the floor. You could see how high the mud went on the water stained walls of buildings. There was a bank we passed by, which had its front glass doors broken. People, towing mud covered cars, people cleaning businesses that got affected by the flood water. I couldn't even tell where the lanes on the road started, and ended because of the mud. I couldn't do anything but to keep quite, and try to put myself in their position. When we got to where we need to get off, we saw a gas station with cars just left lying around. The convenience store in the station was filled with mud, and people were literally shoveling mud out. We started walking towards the house we were going to. The first time i ever felt death just by look around. The smell of mud, and trash filled the air. Mud was just about everywhere, so I couldn't care less if I got a bit dirty. A passing truck gave us a lift to the place we were going to. Looking out at the houses we passed, I could see the little things people got to salvage. They placed it in buckets just outside of their houses, and the other things they couldn't save they would throw in the big pile of mud covered furniture. There was this dump truck propped up on the side walk, with water inside the cabin. A truck of its size would make you guess the driver was trying to rescue people, and failed so he bailed leaving the truck to the mercy of the flood. There was only a block or two left till we got to the house, but there was a car blocking the street, so we had no choice but to walk. While walking I saw everybody outside their house, trying to clean the little they had left, and trying to save their cars. Every house we passed, the people would look at us, and I didn't know what to do. I couldn't look these people in the eye, because if I was in that position I wouldn't know how to start over again. Outside of the house we were going to, there were men trying to clear the mud off the streets using plywood. When we were walking into the house, I saw a lady look up at me while washing what she had in a pail. I couldn't do anything. The fact that you went there to help someone out, when there are other people indirectly asking for your help, makes yourself feel helpless. If I had the power to, I would help you all. But that one stare from that lady made me just put my head down and just nod. These people don't have clean water, electricity, or telephone lines yet. Most of their stocked food were ruined, because of the flood water. Talking to the person that lived in the home, she said that the mud literally closed off the door, keeping the water in the house. She pointed out which pieces of furniture was floating around. When she finished this, I realized she pointed to just about everything in the room. She showed us how high the water went, using her stairs. It became dark out, and you could only imagine what was happening the night of the storm itself. It was pitch black. People in the surrounding houses were using candles to light up their places. On the corner of the street there was a construction crew gathered around a fire. I got used to the smell, and the feeling, but it became hard to find a path with less mud in the way. I used the brightness of the mood reflecting off of the mud to find my way around. It's sad, because there are people who got to save a bit, and when darkness covers the area there are robbers everywhere. Yes, you did save some stuff, only to be robbed of it. When I got home, I was exhausted. These places are quite far from my house, so it was at least 2 hours going home. Lying in bed, I was trying to imagine the water rising up to my bed, with my stuff floating around. I went to the heart of it all. One of the affected areas. It makes someone like me feel helpless for them, but the hope you see in these people are amazing. Its now 4 days since the storm passed through. There are still people waiting to be rescued, or given relief goods. People are still missing, and there are more people being found dead. I could only imagine what the people of Katrina went through. Going to the heart of the news makes you appreciate the comfortable chair you have while you watch it all happen before your eyes.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Director Wanted!



This week has been crazy! Both metaphorically and literally. It's just one of those weeks where you have to just sit down the following week and watch it on CNN. I think it all started last Sunday morning when Serena Williams "threatened" the lines woman at the US Open. Which was kind of a wrong move on her part because she lost the match point, thus losing the match all together. Then two days after Roger Federer did that amazing between the legs shot winning him a point against Djokovic. But shortly after, Federer lost the whole US Open to Del Potro! How odd is that?! Then I find out that our shower heads can give us lung cancer, along with everything that medical journalists say can kill us. Oh yeah! How can anyone forget the whole Taylor Swift and Kanye West thing at the VMAs? I understand it was rude, and stupid of him to go up on stage and start saying what he said, but come on! Let's all hate him, because he had an opinion. It was stupid what he did, but some people are telling me they hate Kanye because he didn't like Taylor Swift's video. Obviously those people don't really see the whole picture here. Aside from everything happening in the world, I started my second term of the year. I mean, wow, what an interesting topic to talk about. Oh wait, but it is! I've been going to class early, and when I say early, I mean EARLY. Like on my first day, which was Tuesday, I went to school an hour and a half early. You might be like, 'Oh that's fine. Just being sure you're on time.' Just to elaborate, my class starts at 9:40, and if you know how to subtract one hour and 30 minutes it'll equal to early. Then today, I went to school early! Yet again! The weird thing is I don't exactly know my schedule, and all I know is I have to be in school on this day at around this time. So my being early drove me to start thinking about my blog. Sometimes I go back and read it just to make sure I don't sound too stupid, and I noticed one thing. So, today I went back to read my blog, and noticed that the blog title is Director's Cut of Life. This would make great sense if I was an aspiring director, but I'm not. I LOVE movies, but not enough to make them. Now, I'm thinking of changing my blog title, just because. That, or I find a director to dictate to me how my life is going. I like the second option, it gives me a chance to work with creative people. I'm actually just being selfish here, because I want to work with one specific person, but what the hell. You take any chance you get right?! So, to the directors out there, or to the specific one I want, if you know who you are.. DIRECTOR WANTED!

Friday, September 11, 2009

I kept My Promise..

If you're a student in college you set goals to get these "last" four or three years of your life on track. You do this with people that matter to you, people that are always around you, friends, family, or classmates. When I enrolled in a class called Fundamentals of Music 1, I told myself that this would be the last time I take this class. Why? Because I already failed this class twice, back to back, and its getting more and more expensive each time I have to retake the subject. What I also meant by 'the last time', was I would leave Music Production behind and just stop everything that has to do with it. Basically, I would move on to another course/ school, or if it comes to the worst, just stop school. You might be asking why I would take such a drastic measure, and drop out of school. Well, it's because this fundamentals class basically controls the flow of my subjects. It is one of the first three majors you take during freshman year, and it's basically the prerequisite to everything. And when I say everything, I really mean everything. Let me put it in perspective. I have a chain of music technology classes. Midi stuff, if you get that. Anyway, I'm doing quite well following that chain. I haven't failed anything, and I'm very interested in everything being taught and stuff. But I can go only so far down the chain, till I get to a subject which has a subject that has fundamentals of music 1 as its prerequisite. So, anything I do, I will be stopped by this subject. Call it wishful thinking, or whatever, but I set my goal in the beginning of the term. I WILL PASS THIS SUBJECT. I didn't do this by myself, or else I would be the least motivated person, so I chose to do it with the person that sat next to me. If fate had anything to do with it, it was Carlo. Now I vividly recall us talking about it. Him complaining about how he can't repeat this subject also. So, one day when we were walking up the stairs to get something for the class photocopied, I made a deal with him, during the giving of grades we were both going to tell each other we passed. But he never reached course card day. He didn't even reach finals. When I got my course card today for fundamentals of music 1, I didn't look at it right away. I got it face down, and I looked down the empty hall. When I flipped it over, that's when it hit me. I finally passed! 3rd time's a charm. First thing I did was thank Carlo in my mind, then I celebrated with the other people. I was thinking on my way home, me and Carlo were supposed to be celebrating right now. But I know he's somewhere being happy for us. When you make these plans with people, you believe that everybody involved, would be there when the plan goes well. At the end of the day, people have to realize that everything can happen in your life that you don't expect to happen. And the real plan is to get through everyday without a hitch. People tell me, "Don't do it for other people, because it's harder, and when you fail it's worse, so do it for yourself." It's true. But today, Thanks Carlo! I did my best just for you, and for our plan! I owe you one! =D

Thursday, August 27, 2009

I'll Miss you Carlo

I now realize how I'm living my life, and I ask myself why do I sometimes hold back on things I've always wanted to do, or why do I do things that I do, or why I fight with the people I fight with. I'm still looking for an answer to the millions of questions about my own life that I started asking myself today. I don't know if it's hitting rock bottom or not, by asking yourself questions about your own life, and not knowing the answers. Today at around 3PM I found out that a friend of mine, Carlo, passed away. I actually saw it on facebook at first, and I didn't know if its something I would believe. You know the feeling you get when something bad happened, then a gush of warmth fills your body? That's what I got when I first read it, even if I didn't know if I was going to believe it or not. I mean, who would joke about death? So, I had to confirm it myself, and I called Carlo's phone. It was off. It was confirmed by the office in Music Production, that Carlo did pass this morning in his sleep. I remember Carlo as that person you can joke with when its joke time, and you can be serious with when its time for business. For some reason, the first thing that came into mind was our last conversation. He was having a smoke outside of Ministop, and I was going to get a drink. Its odd, because I found out there was no class, and the first place I went to was Ministop. Anyway, I went to buy my drink, and I went out to go and talk to him. I looked at his cigarettes and said, "Damn, Lucky Strike! Those things will kill you faster!" We laughed about it, and he asked me for something, which I can't exactly talk about here. But the point is I promised to get it for him, and I never did. Now I feel guilty about it. Then after the guilt sank in, I started remembering how I started talking to Carlo. If my memory serves me right, I joked around with him, because he looked like a Colombian drug dealer with what he was wearing. Hahah! That's when I started calling him 'Papi'. I don't know why, but that's what came to my mind at the time. I don't know if it's just me, but when you're used to seeing someone on a regular basis, they tend to grow on you. Even if I really only saw Carlo 3-4 times a week this term, he grew on me. So, to a friend, a Natsc14 partner, a 'ka damay' when we both didn't understand something, a motivator, I will miss you Carlo. These days won't be the same without you. See you buddy.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Death Starts at the Breaks!


I went to watch Esperanza Spalding yesterday! I was sooo excited when I found out I was going to be able to watch. After Inez introduced me to her music I totally fell in love with her! And she did not disappoint! From the workshop, to the concert itself. See, I had class yesterday from 9am-12pm, and the poster said the even would start at 3pm. I didn't want to be late so I brought the car. My bad luck started when I just unlocked the car in the garage, and stuck my head in. When I opened the door of the car, the first thing that caught my eye was this white stuff on my shift stick. It stuck out, because the car's interior is black, so I was wondering what exactly it was. When I got closer to it, that's when I realized, THERE WAS MOLD GROWING IN THE CAR! Just remembering it is really really really nasty! If you think its just like the mold that grows on your old bread, you are way off. WAY OFF! I looked around and it was on every panel. I couldn't do anything but to clean it up and just go on my way. I was quite worried about my health, but I was running late for class, so any form of transportation would do. So, I got on the road at around 8:30am, giving me just enough time to get to school. Its a Saturday anyway, so there wouldn't be too many people in the area. Or so I thought! After I payed the toll fee near Magallanes, I started to feel the car violently vibrating. I wasn't going fast, because I could see the traffic up ahead. There was nothing wrong with the road, so I really was wondering what was making the car vibrate. First thing that went into my mind was, 'I'm in the wrong gear for this speed.' But I started down shifting from 5th, to 4th, to 3rd, then I was going slow enough to stay on 2nd. So I was like 'What is going on!?' The next thing that came to mind was 'Damn I have a flat!' The safest thing I could do was keep it on 2nd, and turn the hazards on. I made my way to the Shell station outside of Magallanes Village to get someone to check it out. But when I got down from the car and did my walk around, there was nothing wrong with any of the tires. I just got them pumped to be on the safe side, then I went my way. I was a couple of streets from the building, when the car started to try to kill me. A car was stopped in traffic, and I was coming up to it. I was still a good distance from the car ahead of me, when a stupid pedi-cab darted in front of me! A normal person's reaction would be to jam on the breaks, and guess what I did? When I did it though, NOTHING HAPPENED! My foot went straight to the floor mat! I thought for a split second and started pumping the break pedal, but I didn't have anymore space between me and the stupid pedi-cab. I really thought I was going to hit the damn pedi-cab, but I pulled up the hand break just in time. I wish I ran over the bastard, because he started screaming at me. But I couldn't care less, because it dawned on me that I had no breaks! NO BREAKS WHAT SO EVER! (aside from my hand break) I really didn't know what to to. I couldn't leave the car on the side of the road, because they tow when you park illegally. Best thing I could think of was to stay on the incline, and play with the gas and clutch to suspend the car, and keep it from moving. The bad thing about that is not the whole way to the building was an incline! Aside from that, it was traffic! And stupid people like this white Toyota Fortuner just love cutting in front of you. I was getting close to the building, then I turned the hazards on again, because I had nothing to slow the car, but gravity. When I got close enough to the guard at the foot of the building, I opened my door (my windows are broken) and yelled 'Kuya I have no breaks!' He made me park the car just on the street, and I went to class. I called Ton to get my car, and bring it somewhere, where it wouldn't kill me. Then I called my dad to tell him that his car was on a mission to kill me. After the screaming I got he told me to bring the car to Citimotors, but the car was with Ton already. So I had to orchestrate the move of the car to the dealership from Ton's place. When it was at the service center already I rushed from school to the Mitsubishi dealership. Then the service guy showed us that the lord's power was just the only thing stopping me. So, the car is in the service center till Monday, when they'll tell us what's really wrong with it, and how much it'll cost. I'm still kind of shaken from it, but most of all, I'm kinda sad leaving the car in the service. Sad, because me and that car has been through this experience that won't leave my memory anytime soon. But two things that got me through this are keeping calm under pressure, and this picture I had in my wallet. Mmmmm..Wonder who? =P